Published Sept. 19, 2003, in the Kansas State Collegian

Review by Matthew Webber

Dear (insert name of college female here),

Thank you for purchasing "Heavier Things," the new album from my client, John Mayer. Without the help of coeds like you, Mayer would be a faceless street corner troubadour, toiling in obscurity for the occasional dime in his guitar case. As catchy as his songs are, he probably wouldn't go broke. But since his album cover looks like a Gap ad, he definitely won't. Thanks for your support.

If you believe Mayer's lyrics, he's lonely. He has "friends (check), money (check)... microphone (check)," but "Something's Missing." He wants an idyllic "Home Life" where he "Will marry just once." He's a normal guy who happens to be a pop star.

Wanna go on a date?

My client enjoys touring, playing a mean guitar and crooning his lyrics into your pretty, pink ears. He's sensitive, sentimental and occasionally sad. He's educated (at the Berklee College of Music), wealthy and one of the luckiest twenty-somethings alive.

I admit I'm slightly envious. He's living the dream, as they say. If he didn't seem so humble, I'd probably hate him. If he didn't seem to honestly enjoy his good fortune, I'd buy James Taylor records instead. If he stopped writing personal lyrics that I could relate to, I wouldn't be very impressed.

One reason he has a record contract is his slightly above-average but innocuous look. And his honey voice doesn't hurt -- although he sometimes mimics Dave Matthews.

But mostly, you'll like my client because he's singing directly to you. Thought "Your Body Is a Wonderland" was wonderful? Listen to "Daughters" if you really want to swoon. "Girls become lovers who turn into mothers," he sings; "...who turn into John Mayer fans," he implies.

Trust me. You'll love him. The title and electric guitar on the cover are red herrings; Mayer's the softie he always was. "Heavier Things" is actually slower than "Room for Squares." But you'll probably like it just as much.

Are you sick of his new hit, "Bigger Than My Body" yet? Neither am I. "Someday I'll fly, someday I'll soar," he sings, and if you dare to sing along, he'll have you soaring, too.

"Clarity" might be the best thing Mayer ever wrote, and maybe he'll hum it just for you. (I definitely wish I had written it.)

Maybe my client can find happiness with you. As happy as he's made us, he deserves that.